I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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