dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Randomize
