im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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