You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
