Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
