so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
farters have to be the big spoon...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
