Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
