sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
