Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
