if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
