we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Randomize
