Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
