3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
