The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
