a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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