Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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