I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
