He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
pop tarts are not kleenex
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
