just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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