The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
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