After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
