If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
