i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
