The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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