saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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