Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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