i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
