The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
