I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
