how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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