Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
