Non-Jews are for practice
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
