stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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