I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
