I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
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They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
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Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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