i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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