I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
