There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
