my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
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I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
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I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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