What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
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The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
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Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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