so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
