im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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