I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
