i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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