Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I need a beard to bite.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize