new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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