Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
