Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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