After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
