why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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