Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
