oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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