WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
