Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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