Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
