just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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