I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
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