the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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