Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
