Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
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Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
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It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We need to get me chipped asap
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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