We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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