Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
