So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
